My Dear Beloved Wife Susan,

 

During the past year, I attempted  to make love to you 365 times, but I only succeeded 36 times which is, on average, only once every ten days. The following is a list of reasons why I did not succeed more often :

 

01) Wrong time of the month - 14 times (!!)
02) It's too late - 15 times
03) I'm too tired - 12 times
04) It's too early - 12 times
05) It's too hot - 18 times
06) We'll wake the kids - 34 times
07) The neighbours / family members will hear - 6 times
08) Headache and/or backache - 28 times
09) Your mother will hear us - 9 times
10) Not in the mood 21 - times
11) Watching the late show - 17 times
12) Too sore - 26 times
13) New hairdo - 6 times
14) You pretended to be asleep - 18 times
15) You had to go to bathroom (and didn't return) - 10 times
16) Sunburn - 10 times

 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always satisfying because:

 

9 times you just laid there
4 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
6 times you told me to hurry up and get over with it
7 times I had to wake you to tell you I'd finished.

And once I was afraid I had hurt you because you started thrashing about and breathing heavily.

 

Your loving husband,

Bob.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

My Sweet Husband Bob,

 

Thank you for your note, but I think you're a bit confused. Here are the real reasons why you didn't get more than you did:

 

01) Came home drunk and tried to make love to the cat - 14 times
02) Did not come home at all - 35 times
03) Did not come - 21 times
04) Came too soon - 33 times
05) "Percy" was drooping like a cooked noodle - 19 times
06) Cramp in your legs - 16 times
07) Fell asleep on the sofa - 38 times
08) You had a yeast infection "probably from the toilet seat" - 29 times
09) "Percy" got caught it in your zipper - 5 times
10) You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
11) The coffee was too hot and it burned your tongue - 9 times
12) You had a problem with your bad back - 11 times

 

The times I just laid still, was because you actually missed me, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself so much with the pillow, I didn't want to disturb you.

 

I never mentioned the crack in the ceiling - what I said was "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?".

 

And the time I was thrashing around was because you had broken wind and I was fighting for air!

Your loving wife,

Susan.