Dear Webmaster,

I am an Australian living in Hong Kong, and I have fallen madly in love with a local Chinese girl. I plan to ask her to marry me, however there are certain things about me which she does not know, and I am concerned she may reject my proposal if she finds out.

My father was recently convicted and jailed for armed robbery, my mother is a recovering alcoholic and my sister used to star  in pornographic movies, but she is currently in a drug rehabilitation centre. My brother is an enforcer for a local street gang and my uncle claims he was abducted by aliens.

I told my sweetheart that I am an "Environmental Engineer" but I actually work as a garbage collector for the local council. I have been arrested twice for shop-lifting and the only way I can afford to take my sweetheart out on weekends is by being a part-time pickpocket.

What should I do ?

Regards,
Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

This is shocking. Whatever you do, you must not tell your sweetheart you're Australian !

The Webmaster.

Dear Webmaster,

My wife left me and she took my pick-up truck, my dog and my gun. What should I do ?

Regards,
Billy-Bob Bouchet

Dear Billy-Bob,

Become a Country & Western recording artist !

The Webmaster.